“As a parent, it’s your job to see the very best in your child,” a coach once told our team parents. “It’s my job to see them as they are and to help them be better.”  He was right. None of us is objective about our own child. But a good coach can be. I interviewed a number of experienced coaches, both volunteer and professional, boys’ and girls’, from several sports. I asked them why they kept coaching. Professional soccer coach Mike Calabretta said it well. “A coach is the only person who can be your toughest critic and your biggest fan simultaneously.” Coaches can play a key role in kids’ development. That is a great gift.

Unfortunately, some of the parent-to coach-conversations do go very wrong. Emotions heighten. Voices are raised. Sometimes, even threats are made. All in the presence of kids who are embarrassed and often quite young.

Having coached youth soccer for many years, I will admit that I have heard more negativity than I’d care to remember, but if we want to help parents who are offering “too much help” from the sidelines, sharing stereotypical vignettes is not the way to go about it. Angry parents will not conclude, “My goodness, how offensive I sound. I better sit down and shut up and leave it to the professionals.”

As coaches, we need to recognize the investment parents have in their children and the depth of emotion this taps. They want to be involved, so we need to invite them:

• To learn the game.
• To act as assistant coaches.
• To participate in scrimmages so they see just how hard it is to play the game well.

And we need to insist they let the game belong to the children.

As parents, we need to believe the coach is doing their best and give full credit, especially if they are volunteering their time. To parent responsibly we need:

• To learn the game and how it is played.
• To offer the coach our support and our time.
• To inquire about his approach and coaching philosophy rather than making demands.

As parents and coaches, we are on the same team. We both want the best for the kids, but we look at it from slightly different points of view. This is good. It’s what gives us a 3-dimensional perspective. It takes it from the drawing board to the field — where the game is meant to be played. By the kids.